Finding Hope Again

It’s been almost a week since we got the wind taken completely out of our sails.  Thank you for being patient as I know you have been wondering about the PET scan results.  What we hoped and prayed for so fervently, did not happen.  The tumors were almost exactly the same size. No shrinkage. Not even a little bit.

When I heard the bad news, I went numb and like in a movie where the camera spins around the actor for “effect”, that’s what it seemed like for me.  I no longer could process anything the doctor said after that and I didn’t have any intelligent questions to ask… my mind was just blank.  For days I have been in a fog, battling feelings of depression.  I was so anxious to get home, get back to normalcy, and just forget about stupid cancer for awhile.   I appreciate so much all the texts, calls, messages, etc.  as well as the space you all provided so generously.  I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone for days.

I had hit a new low point and God knows I have had a lot of lows on this journey.

We hopped in the cars last Friday and headed south.  We ended our trip early because the air quality in the Bay Area was so bad due to the fires.  I just want to say that my grief cannot compare to those dealing with those losing their homes and loved ones in the fires up there.  I ask that you say a prayer for all those affected by the fires which are popping up all over Northern California.  It makes me so sad as I used to live there and that area is one of the most beautiful places on earth in my opinion.   I am thankful that God gives me some perspective and helps me to be grateful that my home is safe and so is my family.

Fam in SC

Brandon and the kids spent the last week in Palo Alto with my mom and I, we went to Santa Cruz for a couple of days and just hung out on the beach.  This was before the PET scan, so we all were in good spirits and had a great time. Trinity and Kaitlyn even tried out surfing!

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My mom and I had a great time together in California, and while the treatment didn’t work for me, I wouldn’t trade the precious time with her for anything.  We took walks, did yoga, went out to eat and shop, got professional makeovers at Nordstrom, meditated and watched Netflix in the cottage.    My mother is almost 80, and she is such an amazing caretaker, cooking for me, driving me to appointments, doing my laundry,  making green juice and so much more.  I will miss her dearly, but I know she has things she needs to do now… like recuperating from all the hard work!

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Thank you Mom!  You are the best!!!

My spirits were lifted when my dad showed up on Tuesday bearing all kinds of fruit and greens (and magic seeds) to fight cancer.  He came to Tucson to drive back to Plano with my mom.  Two days prior he had an older Chinese woman randomly stop by and knock on his door.  She had seen the huge persimmon tree in the back yard and asked if she could buy some of the fruit.  My dad told her it wasn’t necessary to pay for them.  She was quickly welcomed in with her friend to pick several bags full to her heart’s content.  She was so grateful and in return had offered fresh vegetables and fruit from her farm about an hour away.  She grows all kinds of organic produce in a greenhouse and sells them to local restaurants all year round and works for the department of agriculture as well  as being a licensed nutritionist. The next day she brought two big boxes full of produce and my dad told her about my lymphoma.  Her eyes lit up and she said she had leaves and seeds that were specifically for fighting cancer!  People come to her for special natural remedies.  So that morning my dad drove an hour to her house to pick up bitter leaves, moringa seeds, purple yams, white pomegranates and more.

God’s timing?  For sure.  To be honest I was beginning to wonder where He was.

Mom and Dad
My sweet parents slaving over peeling the seeds out of the little shells… they were doing this for hours.  True love. ❤

HOPE… that is what I had momentarily lost, but it has been restored.

I had put all my hope into this one treatment and my expectations were so extremely high, which made my fall that much harder.  Those few days were awful, being so down and not being able to see any light.  I now have just a glimpse of what depression feels like and my heart hurts for anyone who has it or has someone in their life who battles it because it truly is a battle.  Poor Brandon got the brunt of my anger and frustration… thank you babe for putting up with me.   He’s been through the emotional boxing ring far too many rounds.

The future is uncertain.  That is not just true for me, but for many this year.  I have put my faith in doctors and medicine and it has been one disappointment after another.   But I know one thing for sure.  God is my rock and I choose to “lean in” right  now because if anyone is going to heal me, it’s HIM.

My spirits are back up, THANK YOU GOD, there were times that I stopped praying for healing and just prayed for HOPE.   Today my parents will arrive back to their home in Texas and it’s just my little family together again.  I have been so blessed by all of our support, but to have time with just our fam again is priceless.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and for patiently waiting for my update.  I am not finished fighting and I am grateful that the tumors didn’t grow.  We will head back to Stanford for a follow up CT scan and possible biopsy November 9.  I will keep you posted!!  In the mean time, know that I feel physically very good.  Kaitlyn is on break this week and we have gone to the gym, hit golf balls, and I am fitting in time to meditate, rest, and eat loads and loads of vegetables. I think I might even turn green. 🙂  I just have to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

Onward and Upward.

 

Kay

 

22 comments

  1. Kay, love to you and your family . I’m sorry for the disappointing news but so happy to hear your faith in God is strong , he IS the Divine Healer! You are in my prayers ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautifully written, sweet friend. I’m sorry you have had to go back in the black hole (as I call it)!!! But so thankful you are coming out on the other side with renewed hope. This journey is teaching us so much about who God is and in what/whom we should place our hope. I’m right here cheering you on and am smiling knowing how loved you are! Enjoy your precious family!!!! Much love ❤️ and many vegetables 🥒 🥕🌽🍆🍅!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Kay, I love God’s miracles! The lady from the farm is such a GodSend! Praying blessings over her ! Remember when we read we never know when we are entertaining Angels unawares? Guess what? I believe your fathers visitor was one of God’s Angels!! Continued prayers! Kay JVMI

    Sent from my iPhone

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Kay,

    I read your news and can understand the disappointments and frustration (not firsthand, but through my care for Cheryl for over 7-1/2 years as she battled metastatic breast cancer). Just know that I will keep praying for you! Keep your faith in Jesus Christ, love your family, eat and drink greens and more good things for your body to fight cancer. I worked with Cheryl on a couple of dietary things and she did see an improved quality of life. I’m sure that you are studying and hearing from close friends and others. One thing that I do believe is that cancer and treatments can be different for each individual. Stay as hopeful and courageous as you can as well as staying active as possible. I’m praying for Brandon and your girls too.

    I know this is difficult and I hope that my note to you is uplifting 😊 You’ve got lots of people praying for you! That helps you and each in your family to know that.

    Peace, Love Greg

    “I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose – to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.”

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  5. Kay, you have a wonderful, positive, loving and faithful attitude. Keep your faith and trust, I agree with Kay Gibson, many Angels are watching over you and your family! Keep up with the exercise and green diet – I think you should be the jolly green giant for Halloween!! Take care and keep your faith! Hugs to you and your family!
    Tena

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I was thinking about you and praying for you this week, Kay, and when Dad told me about the lady who randomly stopped by to pick persimmons, I wondered what God had up His sleeve. This is a journey He chose for you. Why? I can’t tell you that, and I wish many days that He had picked someone else. I know He has a plan; His work is not yet done. He has led you this far. It’s a path none of us would have chosen for you, but somehow you have shown more strength, more faith, more resilience that I could have ever imagined. I know it cannot be a random coincidence that this little Asian lady showed up only 2 days before Dad planned to come see you. All we can do now is pray that God’s leading will continue to be clear … it’s always in moments of our humanity when doubt rears its ugly face that God chooses to show us that He is near. I love you so much, and I think the world of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m so sorry for your news, you have been on my mind all week. I’m glad you’ve found hope again. I know God loves you and is aware of you. I’ll keep praying 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dearest Kay — Know how much you are loved and treasured … we are all on this journey with you. It’s not over yet…far from it, sister! I have faith in you and every step you are taking, even if it isn’t always clear what’s going on. What IS clear is that you are thriving in so many ways. Call on us when you need us. Martin Luther King: “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” I am hopeful for you, Kay … you are VIBRANT. Take it one day at a time, sweets. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Dear Kay,
    Your disappointment was shared by everyone. I know that we all want so much for this journey to be completed and for you to start the next chapter. God has big plans for you and it continues to amaze me each time I read your thoughts on this blog. You continue to see God working where most may overlook these signs. My heart aches to know that your cancer journey will continue but I know that you are strong and God is walking this journey with you. As many of your friends have said your strength and faith inspire us all. I love you and wish I lived closer to you. Your time with mom and dad are truly priceless and I loved seeing the happy photos of your time with them. We will continue to pray for you, Brandon and the girls. Your sweet family has been thru so much this past year! I love you Kay!

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  10. Kay, I’m so sorry for the disappointing news you received. I can’t even imagine the roller coaster you and your family are on with your battle of cancer. We are here for you praying daily for your recovery, strength, wisdom and patience as you regroup and go forward. We love you! God has you center stage on this journey and you are doing a mighty work for Him. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am very sorry to hear the news Kay. I wish there was something that I could say, or even better, that i could do to make all of this go away. I will continue to pray and pray and pray. You are always in my thoughts, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Thank you for being honest & showing us the journey. Keep
    eating the vegetables & green things. I’m thankful you are feeling alright. Enjoy the sabbath rest right now. Hugs & love
    Diane Weyandt

    Liked by 1 person

      • Dear Kay-I thought I had responded here but guess it didn’t go thru.
        Again, thank you for your honesty and sharing your journey with us. We continue to pray for you and your family as we rejoice in your hope in THE LORD. You are in so many of our prayers and we know our Heavenly Father knows and continues to hold you near to Him.
        Hang on to Him as He is holding you in His arms full of His Everlasting Love.
        We love you!
        Ed and Jenny

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Kay, we are praying for your miracle healing—whether through seeds and diet—or any way God chooses to heal you. We know He brings good out of bad situations—by looking back at our own challenges. You’ve had a huge challenge and we are proud of you for continuing to fight. We stand with you and your family agreeing in prayer. May The Holy Spirit Gill you with peace, love and joy. ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

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